I find myself back on Dhamma Land and ready to sit my 5th silent 10-day course. As soon as I arrived, I began feeling gross sensations arise and pass off my body. Right now I feel heavy; I feel unsure about my future, I feel anger and pain because my ego has been stabbed.
Isn’t that just hilarious? I am here practicing vipassana and working to dissolve the ego, and suddenly something happens that feels impossible to forget. Luckily my hands landed upon a copy of Antigone while I slipped away… back into the world from which I had resigned.
I grasped every novel I could find until one seeped into the corners of my mind.
I was the messenger, the bearer of bad news, ready to be struck down upon for the words of my bearing. I did what was right by law and was wronged for my eyes and spat upon for my ears. I tried to protect the place that I hold dear, and in doing so, I was stabbed by peers and looked down upon. I was accused of things which I did not do, and yet I knew from the very start it is human in nature to kill the messenger.
And now I cannot let go…
Thus I became Antigone, sworn by the Gods to do their will. I ran headfirst to my death to honor the laws by which we all must abide. I was reckless and untamed.
Thus I became Creon, a leader over many unable to see my own faults, seeking justice at these hands of my own rather than the hands of the Gods.
And ego killed them all one by one.
Silence beckons me to kill this ego, which is scarred, hurt, and unable to mend the wounds which stabbed me so profoundly here on this sacred land. Forgiveness is not easy. I have stuffed it away into my unconscious and buried it in novels and the creation of films.
Now I am stagnant because these wounds must resurface and pass away from me so that the process of creation can be free.
What is this manifested curriculum which has a hold on me?
I cry out to the Great Mother, and she brings me nine cups of silence.